Have you ever asked yourself, “Is my husband gay?“
If you have, then your marriage probably isn’t what it’s supposed to be.More than likely, the two of you have grown distant in the bedroom and yourlove life isn’t what it once was–or maybe it never was particularly good.Something has set off your sensors and you feel the need to explore thequestion of your husband’s sexual preferences seriously.
Being married to a gay man won’t work for most women, and this isone marriage difficulty that anyone would consider “irreconcilabledifferences”. If your husband is straight, but the marriage has grown staleand he has wandering eyes, then the two of you might be able to rekindle thelove and passion and repair whatever damage has been done to yourpartnership.
But if your husband isn’t attracted to females and got into the marriagefor some other reason, or if he’s come to the conclusion along the way thathe’s really attracted to men, the two of you aren’t going to make that work.So knowing whether your husband is straight or gay becomes paramount,if you have any questions at all.
How to Know if Your Husband Is Gay
You’ll find some awful advice and information among some of the prominentInternet posts about spotting a gay husband, which may or may not besatire. Avoid stereotypes and intolerant attitudes when trying to determineyour spouse’s sexuality, and try to remain rational in your observations.I’m going to list off a number of behaviors that indicate he might be gay.
You may have noticed one or more of these behaviors in your husband.Remember that any one of these habits in isolation may not mean athing–guys have their quirks. Don’t isolate one of these and becomeconvinced your husband is queer, based on one odd quirk.
But if you start to notice a cluster of these behaviors, you mightconclude that your husband is attracted to men.
Of course, the easiest and most obvious way of finding out that yourhusband is gay is to just ask him.
If your husband starts to undergo some kind of personality change, that’sa sign he might be undergoing changes. Human beings change as we get olderand deal with the effects of aging and carry the weight of our experiences.This is natural and expected.
Hopefully these changes make us wiser and better partners in love. A mangoing through a mid-life crisis is likely to behave differently than he didwhen first married. So don’t jump the gun if he becomes more defensive,somewhat distant, or even more controlling. These are issues that have to bedealt with and probably have nothing to do with sexual matters.
But if a man is suddenly beginning to realize he’s gay or that he’spreferred men all along, this is almost certain to change his behaviorpatterns. He’s undergoing an awakening. and people newly-awakened to an ideaare likely to act differently than before. This is a going to be a bit of atransformation for him. Let’s discuss several behavioral changes.
Concerned about His Appearance
Has your husband suddenly become more concerned about his appearance?
Has your husband changed his wardrobe?
Has he changed his cologne?
Does he work out more often or style his hair differently?
If so, engage him in conversation about these things, trying to accountfor any natural embarrassment that might come from changing your hairstyleor clothing after 10 or 20 years. A wife is supposed to notice suchbehavior. If nothing’s going on, he’s likely to let you know he wanted toget in better shape or, having gotten in better shape, he wants to show offthe old bod a little more. Maybe he was feeling stale and wanted to mixthings up.
Being concerned with his appearance and changing his fragranceprobably doesn’t mean he’s gay, but it might mean he’s trying to attractsomeone. That someone might be a male or female. Maybe he already has anew love on the side. Whatever the case, this should raise a red flag. Startnoticing other behavior patterns.
Late Night Use of Cellphone
Does your husband make strange phone calls at odd times of the day ornight?
Does your husband get calls at times he didn’t receive them before?
Does he walk out of the room when he receives calls?
Does he speak in hushed tones with a serious look on his face?
None of these things in themselves mean anything. I get distracted whenI’m on the phone in a crowded room, and I feel like I’m being rude talkingover the throng. Besides, I don’t like people eavesdropping on me, so I tryto get some privacy anytime I’m on the phone. Your husband might wantprivacy, too.
But if he used to be open about his calls and he now acts differently, ared flag should be raised.
Maybe he’s ordering your birthday present.
Maybe a friend is asking advice and he’s trying to respect their privacy.
Maybe it’s work related and the people in the room are distracting tohim.
But this may be a sign he doesn’t want you to know what he’s talkingabout.
Secret Use of Computers
The Internet is another place for lovers to have clandestinecorrespondence. If he has his own private email or social networkingpage, then he’s probably interacting with all kinds of old friends and newfriends, and perhaps even an ex-lover or two. The Internet is a perfectplace to interact with a new love interest, male or female, because youprobably don’t know all his passwords.
So if he’s sneaking off to use the computer at strange times of theday or night, that’s a bad sign.
It’s possible he’s on Facebook, where an alarming number of marriagesseem to fail these days.
It’s possible he’s on an online dating site or message board.
Or it’s possible that he’s browsing through porn sites.
Whatever the case, he shouldn’t mind you knowing what he does online.Defensiveness and secrecy about these activities indicate he’s doingsomething you wouldn’t like or he would be embarrassed you would know about.
Possession of Gay Pornography
If ever you find your husband in the possession of homosexualpornography, watch out. Few straight men are going to be interested ingay porn. And when I say “gay”, I mean two or more men engaged in gayactivities.
Whether you agree with it or not, many men don’t view lesbian porn asanything more than twice the allure. Straight men might not think a thingabout multiple guys involved in sexual encounters with one or more females.
But few straight men are going to be interested in seeing men engaged inhomoerotic acts. If you find this, your husband might be gay or bisexual.
That being said, not even this is a sure sign of your husband’s sexualpreference being gay. Many people have different tastes in pornography thanthey have in the real world bedroom.
Extreme Homophobic Behavior – Gay Jokes
Even if your husband seems homophobic and aggressively anti-gay, thisdoesn’t always mean he isn’t gay. Overcompensation is a classicpsychological defense mechanism and social tactic in order to mask one’shomosexual tendencies.
Your husband might appear homophobic so no one would suspect he’s gotgay thoughts.
Your husband might tell gay jokes to complete the facade, or becausehe has a certain amount of self-loathing about his “condition”.
People can have intricate, involved psychologies and contradictorybehavior might all fit into the same pattern.
On the other hand, if your husband doesn’t seem comfortable with gaythemes, isn’t interested in them, or even seems hostile to them, that mightbe exactly what it appears to be. I have a friend (married man) whowatches all the Oscar-nominated films every year, and when he suggested agroup of the guys watch Brokeback Mountain. I was one of those whovetoed the idea.
He still claims I’m homophobic because I didn’t want to watch the gaycowboy movie. I pointed out that, gay or not, it sounded like a chick flick(all about romance) and I wouldn’t have wanted to watch a movie about a guyand girl rancher hooking up, either–that’s the stuff you watch with yourgirlfriend. (Besides, I’m from Texas and I hate when actors use those awfulfake-Texas accents like they did in the trailers for that movie.)
Point being, your husband not being interested in gay culture or evenbeing hostile to it is probably just what it seems–a straight guy being astraight guy. But it might not be. This is also a warning about how hardit is to prove you’re not a homophobe (or anything else), whensomeone claims you are–straight guys would probably rather be labeled thatthan being metrosexual. Along the same thought process, if you askhim if he’s gay and he’s not, it’s going to be mighty hard for him to proveto you he’s not. Most straight men will see that as a blow to theirmasculinity.
Self-Medicating – Sign of Gay Spouse
One type of altered behavior that’s should send signals is when yourhusband starts to self-medicate. If he suddenly starts drinking morethan he used to, that’s a bad sign. If he suddenly starts taking painmedicine for no good reason, that’s a sign he’s trying to dull the pain. Anytype of drug or narcotic might be an escape for him.
When I talk of “pain” and “escape”, I’m talking about mental andpsychological anguish. If he married you and has any regard for you–andten years later he suddenly has a flash and realizes he’s been denying theobvious and he’s queer–then he’s likely to have a lot of guilt andemotional pain. Self-medicating is a way not to feel that pain. It’s also away not to deal with the problem, even if he’s so self-involved that yourfeelings don’t matter.
Sudden reliance on medication or drugs might be a sign he’s gay, if takenwith several of these other symptoms.
Queer Husband Behavior
If your husband is gay, then these are just some of the red flagsto notice. Anything that is different indicates some change in his life, hishabits, or his attitudes. As said before, that’s natural enough. But if he’sacted oddly in front of other men before, then use the behaviors above totest whether your husband is gay or not. It’s probably just a passing fearon your part, but you’ll find plenty of people living in a marriage with agay spouse, so don’t dismiss the notion–especially if he displays three ormore of the attitudes or behavior above.